Black Orchid
by black colour vision
Summary: Angst. One shot about someone who wants Harry but cannot have him. Slight Drama.


A/N- This story comes out of situations in life and weird dreams I have had.

One Shot/ Drabble?

Angst- no real joy.

J.K.Rowling owns the characters.

I am not her, as is plainly obvious, I write with her characters because I like them, and I am too lazy to put in the effort to try and make my own.

This is a Harry-fill in the gap with the person you want it to be story. I have tried to make it vague for a reason, so that you can fit a few people in there if you so desire. So feel free to decide who you want it to be before you read the story, or just read the story and guess who you think it is most likely to be from that.

Disclaimer-there is a reference to OCD in this, please note that the character is not meant to be well read on OCD, and it is not meant to belittle anyone in any way.

Anyway I hope you enjoy it.

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**Black Orchid**

What else can I say except that I love him?

His dark hair, his gorgeous green eyes, his low sweet voice, and that body to die for.

I want him with every fibre in my body.

This is not just a lust want, this is an 'I want to spend every waking hour with you' want.

It is like I have joined fawnatical fan club. Yes I spelt it right. I fawn practically day and night.

Not that he would notice.

I am not really sure how it began, apart from the fact that the boy I knew at school is nothing to the man I know he is now.

Somehow after the war and after all the drama of recovering to a normal life, somehowwe clicked in a different way to that which we had before.

All of a sudden seeing him every day became my sunshine, the silver lining of the cloud, the gold at the end of the rainbow.

It has been like this for a few years now, and we share everything:- morning coffee, the latest news, shopping and the like.

My love for him randomly bloomed.

I could not deny it, nor didI want to.

I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone else that sees us together, alreadyknows without a doubt that I love him. Even now, five years after our friendship resparked, I still look like a besotted fool when he smiles at me.

I feel so privileged that it is me he is smiling for, it is me he says he wants to see, it is me who he says he misses and it is me who he gives those hugs.

I had just come from a ruined long term relationship when our spark rekindled. Not that he feels a spark for me. I don't think I am the type he is attracted to, but he loves me all the same.

When I reestablishedmy relationship with Harry, I was shocked to realize what a harbor he was. He was my ideal harbor in a storm, he carried me through that rough time; he was everything I admired and looked up to. Not that I put him on a pedestal, but he seemed to unlock something in my heart that I had not experienced before.

Every now and then he would ask why I did not date. I pretended not to be interested, but really it is because no one less than Harry will interest me, and who in this world is better than the boy who lived (to steal my heart)? It seems I am doomed to a loveless life.

When he split up with his girlfriend, I thought perhaps he would be a bachelor for a while and give up on dating. He invited me to move in with him; best friends, adopted siblings, it would be our place to party in-he told me.

I would have been perfectly happy living with him for the rest of my life, but I knew the fun and teasing, the peaceful comfort, heated debates and lazy weekends could not last.

He was always the dominant one, in a way. WhatHarry wanted he mostly got. When we fought I would always be the one apologizing first because I felt my heart would break if he stayed angry at me forever, because I loved him and all I wanted was for him to be happy.

Harry decided he wanted to be happy with someone else. He just told me tonight that he wants to propose to her. I cannot help be torn in two. I want him, yet I want him so much that I could not bear if he was unhappy. What am I to do?

I encourage him, tell him that if he really believes she is the only one he can be happy with for the rest of his life he should do it. I know I never have a chance with him. Any happiness or closeness I can steal is a bonus gift. I had long resigned myself to that. Or so I had thought, but when I went to bed that night, my smile at his happiness and plans faltered into a choked sob.

My beloved Harry, I was losing him. I knew I wouldn't fight it. It was like slowly drowning. I would smile while slowly sinking, consumed by the ocean of despair. I was going to be in the wedding, I could see myself now, watching, smiling for them all as my first love gives his heart away.

And in the process gives mine away, leaving me with an endless black vortex gaping in my chest. For he is my heart.

It was like in Love Actually, that damned movie his girlfriend loves, that guy who loves his best mate's girl. I make myself sick sometimes.

So pathetic.

The thought of leaving this place makes me sick.

I have to stop myself from throwing up.

Better sooner rather than later, if I distance myself perhaps then the feelings will fade, I will be able to be truly happy for them.

I know I have been demoted, and it's time to act like it.

I tell him the next morning, and he begs me not to leave.

I try hard not to let him show how much this is killing me.

I rationally point out how I will need to move out to make way for his new bride, etc.

He gets angry and accuses me of deserting him.

I thought we were family he shouts before storming off to work.

We are family, I want to cry to him, but I just can't compete anymore.

I am already terribly jealous of our friendship and have guarded my spot as his number one friend for so long, and now I am losing it to someone who has the only thing which I have not been able to incite in him, everlasting passionate love.

He loves me I know it is true. Why else would he have insisted on being my older brother, my best friend, why else would he have put up with all my faults and failings?

I am already feeling horrible about our fight and want to buy him something to show him that I really do love him. I can never seem to lie to him, so I need to find a way of telling the truth without telling the truth.

I cook his favourite food, I want to give him the world, but all I can giveHarry is myself, and myself is not enough.

At dinner I surprise him with a signet ring. I had it especially engraved with both of our initials on it.

I tell him that he will always be my heart, and that I will always be around if ever he needs me for anything, but that I need to get out before his girlfriend starts to feel threatened.

He sadly agrees with me, but makes me promise to help him plan his proposal and every detail of what he is going to say.

It seems he will miss me more than I had dared hope.

In a week I am packed, and am moving my things into a small house in the neighbourhood. Not so close that we are easily accessible to each other, because I need to try and resist the urge to just pop over to his house all the time. He surprises me by coming over most mornings for breakfast.

Harry asks me why I am so sad, I tell him I don't like being demoted, and I think he believes me.

It is just that every time he smiles down at me, or complements me or laughs, I remember why I love him. Why I dream almost constantly about being with him, in his arms, talking, laughing, anything. And when I remember that, I remember how I can never be who I want to be to him.

Part way is not enough for me, it is like I have OCD. I have an obsessive compulsion to keep all of him to myself. And I can't. I begin to wonder when he gets married, if I will slowly waste away from heart break.

I know I will give myself for his happiness, I finally understand the concept of self sacrifice.

Am I crazy? Perhaps.

Just someone who isn't content to be just anyone to you.

But that's all you can give.

So I sit here content, ignoring the tears which fall when I hear the word.

Friend.

Nothing more, which makes me less.

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A/N-yeah okay I know it was different.

Any constructive feedback, ie if you liked it specifics on why is welcome. If you don't like it, feel free to tell me why, but please realise I'm not going to change anything much.

Thanks for taking the time to read.


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